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The Cobras

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BloodThirsty

Bronze Member
Joined
Jun 3, 2014
Messages
499
I was boy who lived on the streets I went threw garbage bins for food I slept under the bridge I was homeless. My mother died in a car crash and my father walked out on us so after my mother died I was alone and the owner of the house told me to leave because I was not paying the rent and so I packed my clothes and left so now I live under the bridge. one day I saw a boy on the street he came to me and asked me if I wanted to buy some weed I said no I have no cash then he pulled me aside and asked me if I wanted to make some fast cash I said yes sir he told me to follow him behind a house he told me he is a drug runner he makes fast cash. The fast cash pulled me so he took me to a old house with some black men standing around takeing drugs and have guns in their hips that was the first time I ever saw a gun he took me inside of the house and upstairs and there was a man sitting at a table with lost of weed and cocaine across the table and he had an ak47 in his lap. he stood up and called the boy buy the name kevin he asked who is this little niggro and kevin said he wants to make money and the man looked and me and said if u want cash be willing to put in the work and then he took up the gun and putted it on his left sholder and said follow him he took me in the back room where it was dark and told me stand up against the wall and pointed the gun at me and said if I want to work for him I need to be brave and he shoot a warning shoot in the roof. And I did not move and he walked to me with a smile on his face and said your our runner when we call you come your mother can be sick you come you can be having sex with your wife you come so he gave me a bag of weed and told me if I can sell all of this he will take me in and teach me the ways of the gang. Three years later he called me in the back room with all the guys standing in the room and walk around me and asked me do you know why are you here I said no and he began hitting me and all of the other men began beating me up and I was on the floor with my mouth bleeding and he came to my side and bent over and said welcome and threw a green rag on me and gave me a 9mm and told me I have some work to do so I change my clothes and put the gun in my holster and I got in the car and he drove past a known Mexican gang house and I saw the other guys in the car opened fire on the house so I decided to shoot also and then we drove off. And the the boss looked at me and told me its time I start my own family so I stated my own gang The cobras we are into drugs and money we smuggle drugs across the border we have police in our pockets we commit murders and we provide drugs for all of the big gangs out there. when you don't pay u we take you out The cobras.
 

Tiger

Donator
Joined
Jan 25, 2011
Messages
5,283
Location
UK
I'm.. confused.. this is more of a story. My advice is to look at the other illegal faction threads and create something similar. Good luck!
 

Hyper

Donator
Joined
Apr 5, 2012
Messages
381
I just read it all....
First of, the inconsistency of your "gang's" story and your background story. Effort and imagination is required for a good faction story. Your story lacks details and some of the events are unrealistic and idiotic.
Secondly, your post is one long paragraph that lacks punctuation. The grammar level is poor as well.
One of the things that caught my eye was "me and said if u want cash".

Put more effort into your story, add graphical images and split the paragraphs.
If I were to read it out loud, I would've suffocated an hour ago.

Tiger said:
I'm.. confused.. this is more of a story. My advice is to look at the other illegal faction threads and create something similar. Good luck!

You should browse through the board and check the works of other community members, might help you understand how your thread has to look like.
Good luck.
 

Manu

Retired Admin
Joined
Apr 7, 2013
Messages
5,142
Location
Flanders, Belgium
Try making your sentences shorter and spread things up in different paragraphs. I checked it out and one of the sentences has 145 words... WOT
 
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